You may hate running. I’ve hated running.

I currently run eight or more miles every day, here’s why you shouldn’t.

Running sucks

Let’s get the big one out of the way. You are telling your body to keep moving at a rapid pace when instead you could be sitting.

Sitting is way better than running.

Have you ever felt pain in your chest while sitting? I have. It was when my high school girlfriend told me she was breaking up with me because she was [most likely] cheating on me at her new college.

Therefore, by the transitive property, running is equal to constantly having your girlfriend tell you… she prefers the company of others
to your exclusive company

Where’s the motivation?

Can I run faster than a deer? Nope. Can I smear the blood of my fallen enemies on my face, follow the deer and then pelt it with rocks after it has stopped due to exhaustion? Yup! I’m not going to try to argue whether we evolved for this specific type of “persistence hunting,” but we certainly are able to do it when properly trained and motivated.

But’s that not you! You have access to all of civilization’s knowledge in your hands and the most complex of carbohydrates. You don’t need to be in shape to run down a deer, you need to try the latest micro-brew and take a nap.

You look stupid

Have you ever watched yourself run? In sixth grade, while I was dominating (in my mind) gym class, a cute girl laughed and said, “I love the way you run.” I know sarcasm, this meant, “I love how ridiculous you look when you try to rapidly move your tree trunk cankles.”

When you play video games and overeat your whole childhood, instead of sitting “criss-cross-applesauce,” you sit like an idiot with your legs bent out to the side of you.

Then when your muscles and bones develop you get the benefit of genu valgum (knock-knees).

I am not a beautiful or efficient running machine.

You will hurt

Here are a few things I have told myself…

• I’m not going to see a doctor about it, so why would I stop?
• That’s weird, I don’t remember this bruise on my hamstring.
• I need to pop these blisters or else I can’t get my shoes on.
• Ohh, these holes are from the piece of metal I tripped on.
• It’s only one knee that hurts.
• It’s been hurting for less than two weeks, so I’m not concerned.
• Ankle sprains are fine because I just run in a straight line.
• I can’t wait until this toenail falls off.

You’re alone

When you are running, you get to be really close with your inner demons. Sure your body hurts, but your mind can turn you into a pile of sadness. This is why people want running buddies. Someone to encourage them and help avoid their own mind.

Unfortunately, you aren’t going to find a buddy that will be able to run with you literally every day at whatever hour works. You have to face those demons yourself.

The soreness

I do my best to channel Bruce Banner whenever I’m running.

I used to be bothered by how sore my calves were every day after running. Then I realized that was only because my quads have turned into two sticks of dynamite. They are beyond sore, they are ready to explode. They’ve already completed the sore quest and are now replaying the game on hell mode.

You’re not building muscle

Zero recovery days.

Muscles grow when they are resting. Running every day means you are constantly tearing your muscles down. It’s like junior high every day for your quads. My legs have probably developed an eating disorder and have Axe body spray in their locker next to their vape pens.

If you want bigger, stronger or sexier muscles you need to be doing HIIT.

Who has the time?

The world record for a 10K is around 26 minutes for men, 29 for women. Now apply the “normie” factor and multiply by two and a half. Oh, you don’t like doing math in your head because that wasn’t how you based self-esteem in second grade? Well, you’re looking to be spending at least an hour running. Sure you may get faster, but you’re also running every day. I actually currently run slower on an average run than I did when I started two years ago.

Don’t forget you also have to go to the bathroom, get dressed, get your music/audiobook/podcast ready, realize you didn’t charge your headphones, fill up your water bottle, grab your watch, go back to the bathroom and stare at the wall because it’s so beautiful in its motionless state, wait for your watch GPS to pick up a signal and then give yourself a few minutes of positive self-talk.

Then once you’re back you have to immediately go into a shower, find somewhere to hang your soaked “moisture wicking” clothes, drink more water and eat whatever your eyes land on first.

It’s a minimum of an hour and a half; or the runtime of Office Space.

Bathroom breaks are real

You know why you should wear compression shorts when you’re running? They keep crap from running down your leg.

In my last five years of running, I have taken an unplanned shit at least two dozen times. Sure, half of those I have found a McDonald’s or porta potty. But I have also scrambled into wooded areas or just squatted in a wide-open public field.

I’m not proud of my failures, but I’d rather shit myself than have someone find me crapping in public. I’m sure most runners are better members of society, but shit happens. If you run every day, accept that reality of stepping into a shower with your shit filled shorts still on.

Do something

Please don’t run 10k every day. But please find something that makes you better every day. Discover your passions and be intentional.

Everything you need is already inside of you…