When I was 12 years old, I was still pissing on myself.
It’s easy now to tell you about how I had to try on different adult diapers with my mom to figure out which made the least amount of noise.
I was so excited when we found a pair that didn’t look lumpy or make noise as my chubby thighs rubbed against each other. I remember this moment as one of the happier ones in my life. I could be a normal kid and not fear public humiliation on our school’s overnight trip.
Side note: who the hell thought to give jeans a husky size? Fuck you.
The funny thing, I was only peeing myself because I was trying to keep myself warm. Since I would always leave my windows open or a fan on, I would get cold in the middle of the night. I was such a sound sleeper that my body decided it was best to lay in a pile of my own urine instead of getting up and closing the window.
My parents took me to the doctor that summer and after one round of medication, I never pissed myself again. I had been wetting the sheets for my entire childhood and all it took to solve the problem was one trip to a doctor and some delicious orange medicine.
This important information for the story today…
You know your parents love you when you are able to convince them to get you a waterbed for your birthday.
Where does one even come up with the idea to want to sleep in a waterbed? I think part of the reason why my parents actually bought me one is because they knew that a rubber mattress made for easy cleanup.
Here are some fun facts about waterbeds.
- The initial cost of a waterbed is under $500.
- To avoid laying on a pile of cold water, it needs heat ($20/month)
- They are very easy to puncture.
One winter night, there was a bad storm, being a sound sleeper I missed it all. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night to the smell of my own urine and my sheets being soaked. This was not a completely unfamiliar event for me, but the fact that the sheets were soaked through was confusing. I was freezing cold too. When I turned on the lights I realized what had happened.
The storm had killed the power to our house, therefore making my bed very cold. This got compounded by that I also had a cat that sometimes liked to sleep with me. The storm must have spooked him and caused him to leap from my bed and puncture my precious liquid holder. This made me even colder and my problem-solving body knew exactly what to do.
As a parent, I’ve had to deal with waking up in the middle of the night to help one of my children with the puke on their sheets or their wet beds. But never did I have to handle a child sloshing around in their bed drenched in cold water and urine.
That was the last I remember of my waterbed.